I am painfully aware that I am not an NFL expert. I can, however, competently argue with any knowledgable football fan. I just got off a thirty-eight minute phone call with my brother debating the mobile quarterback vs. the pocket passer and their likelihood of Super Bowl success. So for my next trick I'm going to wow you with my prediction for this year's Super Bowl winner.
I took an unorthodox approach, one that is open to ample criticism. I took the names of the starting quarterbacks for this weeks four playoff games, and I searched them through Google images. I decided each team's fate based solely on the most recurring interweb picture of their quarterback. I then took an extra step of backing my predictions with each of the quarterback's statistics for the 2013 season. It was a pretty eye opening experience. If I'm successful maybe I'll have a future with an icon like Benjamin Lee Eckstein, and if I'm totally wrong I may just be asked to host my own talk show on ESPN.
# 8 Your San Diego Chargers
A completion percentage of 64.4, 221 TDs to 104 interceptions, and a passer rating of 96.0 (+7.9 increase from 2012 to 2013)
Philip Rivers just had his Super Bowl last week over in Cincinnati. Philip, congratulations you just beat the Bengals. Your reward? You get to face Peyton Manning and the Broncos in Denver. The face says it all.
#7 Your Carolina Panthers
A completion percentage of 59.8, 64 TDs to 47 interceptions in his third year in the NFL and a 86.4 passer rating (+2.6 increase from 2012 to 2013)
It's always sunny in Carolina. At least this year. Cam Newton's future's so bright he has to wear shades. I, however, don't trust a man in sunglasses. Cam mimes parting his shirt to reveal his Superman costume after every accomplishment on the field. He does it even when losing. He's not ready, he may never be ready. But win or lose he'll look cool doing it.
#6 Your San Francisco 49ers
Completion percentage of 59.8, 31 TDs to 11 interceptions, and a passer rating of 93.8 (-3.3 drop from 2012 to 2013)
Colin Kaepernick is solid. The problem is when you Google this guy you see him shirtless more than you see him wearing his uniform. This is a talented player who has an incredibly talented team around him. But ask yourself this, if Peyton Manning had decided on playing for the 49ers would they have been the defending champions steamrolling their way to back-to-back Super Bowl wins? Also, imagine Andrew Luck reuniting with his college coach in the Bay Area. Just do it. Doesn't it feel good? That's why I can't give him the win. They could get to New York and his feet could be the factor but I think he has trouble to the north of San Francisco.
#5 Your New England Patriots
A completion percentage of 60.5, 25 TDs to 11 interceptions, and a passer rating of 95.7 (-1.4 drop from 2012 to 2013).
Tom Brady, Tom, Tom, Tom. Someone convinced you after winning three Super Bowls that you could do anything, even wear your supermodel wife's coat for a GQ shoot. Yet, no matter how much I want to mock you I just can't. Even without home-field advantage, you have the advantage over every other quarterback. Indy vs. New England (cold), New England vs. Denver (cold), New England vs. NFC (in New York, outdoors COLD!) My prediction is your team will fail you, but not that debonaire stare.
#4 Your Indianapolis Colts
His stats in his first two years: completion percentage 60.2, 23 TDs to 9 interceptions, and a passer rating 87.0 (+10.5 increase from 2012 to 2013)
Now I'm a big time Stanford Cardinal fan. But Andrew Luck needs to grow into his teeth. It's fortunate for him he plays for Indianapolis because he looks like a horse. Luck is in his second year and his first playoff run. He proved in his first game that down does not mean out. He may get past Tom Brady and the Patriots but I feel he needs a few more years before Luck is a lock to win the Super Bowl.
#3 Your Seattle Seahawks
A completion percentage of 66.7, 26 TDs to 9 interceptions, and a passer rating of 101.2 (+1.2 increase from 2012 to 2013)
Russell Wilson is a freak. Just look at that picture from the NFL combine. Look at that arm! THAT'S HIS NON-THROWING ARM!!! Russell has the team, he has shown he has the talent. He just hasn't gotten to the big dance yet. I feel confident that in the next decade we will see Wilson and Andrew Luck playing many February football games and listening to Macklemore at halftime. (See what I did there? I used a Seattle music superstar in my Super Bowl reference). I think he's close. Real close. He may play in the Super Bowl this year if he can get past New Orleans, but I don't think he'll be hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy.
#2 Your New Orleans Saints
A completion percentage of 68.6, 39 TDs to 12 interceptions, and a passer rating of 104.7 (+8.4 increase from 2012 to 2013)
When you Google Drew Brees the first result you get is the Brees Dream Foundation. He's raised over $17,000,000.00 to support children with cancer in New Orleans. He's a saint! The most prominent picture in Google images is that of Brees with his kid. This pick is awesome because it is purely based on his picture. How can you not pick this team to win the Super Bowl? Oh that's right...
#1 Your Denver Broncos
A completion percentage of 68.3, 55 TDs to 10 interceptions, and a passer rating 115.1 (+9.3 increase from 2012 to 2013)
Peyton Manning wears his helmet when he makes love. This guy is all football all the time. The only criticism you can give of Peyton's 2013 MVP season was is -31 yards rushing. In his defense he was taking knees to end games in the second quarter. This guy had the equivalent of Babe Ruth's 1927 season. It won't be an easy road for Pey... who am I kidding? Peyton knows the position better than any other man that has ever played quarterback. I am committed to choosing my Super Bowl champion based on my Google quarterback image. My choice is clear. Peyton Manning's season, career, and pedigree back my decision. Oh and Peyton has a foundation too.
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