How to Talk About Football: Episode I, Off The Field Factor

There are two NFL playoff games today because God loves you. But you may be self-conscience about how to engage with the avid football fan. That's where I come in. I am here to provide you with the information you need to wow your party with your pigskin knowledge and avoid making the classic mistake of picking the Denver Broncos and the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl. (If you don't understand why that would expose you as a novice you really need to read on).

"Gentlemen, this is a football..."

Vince Lombardi opened every season with this line. Who's Vince Lombardi? Stop reading right now and don't show your face at a tailgate ever again. I hope your children lose their sight. Vince Lombardi was head coach of the Green Bay Packers from 1959 to 1967 and won everything. He won six division championships, two conference championships, and when they began handing out Super Bowl trophies he got greedy and took the first two. (They asked him if they put his name on it would he let other coaches win, and he conceded). Before every season he would take his team to the field and start his speech with, "Gentlemen, this is a football." Every season. First year players and seasoned veterans would hear the same speech. He would explain the dimensions of the field, discuss the scoring strategy, he made sure that if some hadn't taught you how to play the game of football correctly Lombardi was going to before you played for his team.

This is the Lombardi trophy. The feather-haired adonis holding the trophy knows a thing or two about winning the Super Bowl.

Anyone can pick at team. "I like the blue and green team, those are totes my colors," says the girl your buddy brought over to watch the game who won't shut her face. But what do you talk about for the other three hours during the game (trick question, you don't talk about anything you just watch the game and read the defense to see if Manning is going to checkdown to his halfback rather than have Brian Urlacher sit on his face). What follows is the first in a three-part series of essential points to help you make small talk as you're trying to get to the seven layer dip. (Stop scraping the cheese off the top, Barbosa. You want this dip, you take all seven layers.)


Essential Football Talking Point #1: Off the Field Could be the On the Field Factor

There's always a non player factor that helps decide the eventual winner of any sporting event.

The Saints have Rob Ryan...

You think this guy isn't going to come into play? Look at those flowing locks. Rob Ryan is the twin brother of Rex Ryan. He's what Rex would look like if he was stranded on a deserted island with only 10,000 pounds of bratwurst to survive on. Rob the son of Buddy Ryan, who is the author of the 46 Defense and was the defensive coordinator of the 1985 Chicago Bears.

The Seahawks have the Twelfth Man...

On October 13th of this year the Seattle Seahawks' fans recorded a 137.6 decibel reading. Decibels measure how loud something is. A library whispers along at 30 decibels. A blowdryer runs between 80-90 decibels. A jackhammer registers at 130 decibels and a firearm comes in right around 140 decibels. So calling a play on offense against the Seahawks is like having a gun constantly fired by your ear.

The 49ers have the legacy...

No team currently in the playoffs has a legacy like the 49ers. Until Kaepernick showed up when the San Francisco 49ers went to the Super Bowl, they went home with some hardware. But who knows, maybe this year Colin is ready to join the likes of Joe and Steve.

The Carolina Panthers have the Underdog Factor...

All the pressure is off the Panthers. They won't have a winning record this season (haven't had one since 2008). They won't win the division (finished 12-4 1st in the NFC South). They just can't beat the Niners, win the NFC, and win the Super Bowl. Time will tell.

The San Diego Chargers have a random statistic...

The San Diego Chargers opened the season with a win against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Saints in 2009, the Packers in 2010, the Giants in 2011, and the Ravens in 2012 all started their season with a win against Philly. You never know.

The New England Patriots have Bill Belichek's cutoff sweatshirt. Take a gander at this outfit...

Bill Belichek wears a cutoff sweatshirt. Why does he wear a cutoff sweatshirt? #*$% you, this is Boston, I don't have to answer to you, Go Sox. Or something like that, I'm pretty sure anyone from Boston has Tourette syndrome.

The Denver Broncos have John Elway...

John Elway is the executive vice president for football operations for the Denver Broncos. His first big move was signing Peyton Manning. This year he got the Broncos Wes Welker from the New England Patriots. He's a Stanford guy. And I'm pretty sure if Manning goes down from a neck cramp, Elway could suit up and throw for 450 yards and four touchdowns against the Chargers.

*Side note, what is it with Stanford quarterbacks with horse faces playing for teams with pony mascots?

The Indianapolis Colts have cancer...

Chuck Pagano is the head coach for the Indianapolis Colts. He recently was diagnosed and fought a hard battle with leukemia. He's strong enough now to be back on the sidelines. His team plays hard for him. They come back from 28 points last week to keep hope alive.

So there you have it. Talking Point #1 to make it through the last quarter of the Saints vs. Seahawks game (sorry you had to sit in awkward silence at your brother-in-law's playoff potluck until I posted this), and the Saturday AFC evening matchup, New England vs. Indianapolis. If you run out of things to say, fret not because in less than 24 hours you'll get episode II, The Mobile Quarterback or The Pocket Passer.