How to Talk Football Episode II: Stay Put and You'll Win a Championship

My brother and I had a debate over which team has the best chance to win this year's Super Bowl. In my last post, which was awesome, I picked Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos to win it all. My brother, an unapologetic San Francisco 49ers fan, was (justifiably) outraged. How could I choose the Broncos over the white hot 49ers? Simple mobile quarterbacks don't win championships.

I know, I know, but the fact is you just don't win.

Go ahead and name the last mobile quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

I thought you might say Ben Roethlisberger.

Only he's not a mobile quarterback. He's a 6'5" 241lb linebacker who doubles as a quarterback when he's not sexually assaulting women in bathrooms. Big Ben ran for a total, TOTAL, of 99 yards in 2013. His biggest rushing season was 2007 when he scrambled for 204 yards. So who's next?

Steve Young is next.

Steve was the Super Bowl MVP of the 1994 season. Young has a 4,239 career rushing yards. In 1992 he ran for a single season career high of 537 yards. (Michael Vick's single season high was 777 yards). But the problem was Young was a better passer than most quarterbacks enshrined in the National Football Hall of Fame in Canton, OH (Canton may come up in conversation so it's good to know that's where the NFL Hall of Fame is). In 1994 Young had a passer rating of 112.8, he had 3,969 passing yards, 35 passing touchdowns. In the 1995 Super Bowl, Young threw for 325 yards, six touchdowns, no interceptions and had a passer rating of 134.5. Once again 325 yards, six touchdowns, no interceptions and a passer rating of 134.5. So there he is your 1995 Super Bowl winning "mobile" quarterback Steve Young.

Now for the pocket passer argument.

This is a quarterback who's committed to passing.

In 2012 Joe Flacco won the Super Bowl after running for 22 yards the entire season. Eli Manning scrambled for a total of 15 yards the previous year. In 2001 Brad Johnson, you know, Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl winning quarterback, ran for 58 yards on the season.

Mr. Quarterback Joe Montana rushed for 1676 yards in 16 years. In 13 seasons Tom Brady has amassed a staggering 766 yards rushing or in other words he rushed for 4 yards per game. Then there's the only quarterback to actually grow moss on himself behind center. Peyton Manning, in 16 seasons has rushed for 697 yards. That means every time "takes off" with the football he averages 2.7 yards per game. There are folding chairs that are more mobile than Peyton Manning.

Now Aaron Rogers had 356 yards rushing 2010 season (a career high). But he passed for 3,922 yards and he is more of a pocket passer with the threat to run (much like Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson). You don't ever see Aaron Rogers working from the Pistol Offense.

So if you want to get into an engaging conversation during the half, pick this topic and go pocket passer and you'll dominate the debate.

How to Talk About Football: Episode I, Off The Field Factor

There are two NFL playoff games today because God loves you. But you may be self-conscience about how to engage with the avid football fan. That's where I come in. I am here to provide you with the information you need to wow your party with your pigskin knowledge and avoid making the classic mistake of picking the Denver Broncos and the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl. (If you don't understand why that would expose you as a novice you really need to read on).

"Gentlemen, this is a football..."

Vince Lombardi opened every season with this line. Who's Vince Lombardi? Stop reading right now and don't show your face at a tailgate ever again. I hope your children lose their sight. Vince Lombardi was head coach of the Green Bay Packers from 1959 to 1967 and won everything. He won six division championships, two conference championships, and when they began handing out Super Bowl trophies he got greedy and took the first two. (They asked him if they put his name on it would he let other coaches win, and he conceded). Before every season he would take his team to the field and start his speech with, "Gentlemen, this is a football." Every season. First year players and seasoned veterans would hear the same speech. He would explain the dimensions of the field, discuss the scoring strategy, he made sure that if some hadn't taught you how to play the game of football correctly Lombardi was going to before you played for his team.

This is the Lombardi trophy. The feather-haired adonis holding the trophy knows a thing or two about winning the Super Bowl.

Anyone can pick at team. "I like the blue and green team, those are totes my colors," says the girl your buddy brought over to watch the game who won't shut her face. But what do you talk about for the other three hours during the game (trick question, you don't talk about anything you just watch the game and read the defense to see if Manning is going to checkdown to his halfback rather than have Brian Urlacher sit on his face). What follows is the first in a three-part series of essential points to help you make small talk as you're trying to get to the seven layer dip. (Stop scraping the cheese off the top, Barbosa. You want this dip, you take all seven layers.)


Essential Football Talking Point #1: Off the Field Could be the On the Field Factor

There's always a non player factor that helps decide the eventual winner of any sporting event.

The Saints have Rob Ryan...

You think this guy isn't going to come into play? Look at those flowing locks. Rob Ryan is the twin brother of Rex Ryan. He's what Rex would look like if he was stranded on a deserted island with only 10,000 pounds of bratwurst to survive on. Rob the son of Buddy Ryan, who is the author of the 46 Defense and was the defensive coordinator of the 1985 Chicago Bears.

The Seahawks have the Twelfth Man...

On October 13th of this year the Seattle Seahawks' fans recorded a 137.6 decibel reading. Decibels measure how loud something is. A library whispers along at 30 decibels. A blowdryer runs between 80-90 decibels. A jackhammer registers at 130 decibels and a firearm comes in right around 140 decibels. So calling a play on offense against the Seahawks is like having a gun constantly fired by your ear.

The 49ers have the legacy...

No team currently in the playoffs has a legacy like the 49ers. Until Kaepernick showed up when the San Francisco 49ers went to the Super Bowl, they went home with some hardware. But who knows, maybe this year Colin is ready to join the likes of Joe and Steve.

The Carolina Panthers have the Underdog Factor...

All the pressure is off the Panthers. They won't have a winning record this season (haven't had one since 2008). They won't win the division (finished 12-4 1st in the NFC South). They just can't beat the Niners, win the NFC, and win the Super Bowl. Time will tell.

The San Diego Chargers have a random statistic...

The San Diego Chargers opened the season with a win against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Saints in 2009, the Packers in 2010, the Giants in 2011, and the Ravens in 2012 all started their season with a win against Philly. You never know.

The New England Patriots have Bill Belichek's cutoff sweatshirt. Take a gander at this outfit...

Bill Belichek wears a cutoff sweatshirt. Why does he wear a cutoff sweatshirt? #*$% you, this is Boston, I don't have to answer to you, Go Sox. Or something like that, I'm pretty sure anyone from Boston has Tourette syndrome.

The Denver Broncos have John Elway...

John Elway is the executive vice president for football operations for the Denver Broncos. His first big move was signing Peyton Manning. This year he got the Broncos Wes Welker from the New England Patriots. He's a Stanford guy. And I'm pretty sure if Manning goes down from a neck cramp, Elway could suit up and throw for 450 yards and four touchdowns against the Chargers.

*Side note, what is it with Stanford quarterbacks with horse faces playing for teams with pony mascots?

The Indianapolis Colts have cancer...

Chuck Pagano is the head coach for the Indianapolis Colts. He recently was diagnosed and fought a hard battle with leukemia. He's strong enough now to be back on the sidelines. His team plays hard for him. They come back from 28 points last week to keep hope alive.

So there you have it. Talking Point #1 to make it through the last quarter of the Saints vs. Seahawks game (sorry you had to sit in awkward silence at your brother-in-law's playoff potluck until I posted this), and the Saturday AFC evening matchup, New England vs. Indianapolis. If you run out of things to say, fret not because in less than 24 hours you'll get episode II, The Mobile Quarterback or The Pocket Passer.

If a Picture's Worth a Thousand Words... (Your XLVII Super Bowl Champion)

I am painfully aware that I am not an NFL expert. I can, however, competently argue with any knowledgable football fan. I just got off a thirty-eight minute phone call with my brother debating the mobile quarterback vs. the pocket passer and their likelihood of Super Bowl success. So for my next trick I'm going to wow you with my prediction for this year's Super Bowl winner. 

I took an unorthodox approach, one that is open to ample criticism. I took the names of the starting quarterbacks for this weeks four playoff games, and I searched them through Google images. I decided each team's fate based solely on the most recurring interweb picture of their quarterback. I then took an extra step of backing my predictions with each of the quarterback's statistics for the 2013 season. It was a pretty eye opening experience. If I'm successful maybe I'll have a future with an icon like Benjamin Lee Eckstein, and if I'm totally wrong I may just be asked to host my own talk show on ESPN. 

# 8 Your San Diego Chargers

A completion percentage of 64.4, 221 TDs to 104 interceptions, and a passer rating of 96.0 (+7.9 increase from 2012 to 2013) 

Philip Rivers just had his Super Bowl last week over in Cincinnati. Philip, congratulations you just beat the Bengals. Your reward? You get to face Peyton Manning and the Broncos in Denver. The face says it all. 

#7 Your Carolina Panthers

A completion percentage of 59.8, 64 TDs to 47 interceptions in his third year in the NFL and a 86.4 passer rating (+2.6 increase from 2012 to 2013) 

It's always sunny in Carolina. At least this year. Cam Newton's future's so bright he has to wear shades. I, however, don't trust a man in sunglasses. Cam mimes parting his shirt to reveal his Superman costume after every accomplishment on the field. He does it even when losing. He's not ready, he may never be ready. But win or lose he'll look cool doing it. 

#6 Your San Francisco 49ers

Completion percentage of 59.8, 31 TDs to 11 interceptions, and a passer rating of 93.8 (-3.3 drop from 2012 to 2013)

Colin Kaepernick is solid. The problem is when you Google this guy you see him shirtless more than you see him wearing his uniform. This is a talented player who has an incredibly talented team around him. But ask yourself this, if Peyton Manning had decided on playing for the 49ers would they have been the defending champions steamrolling their way to back-to-back Super Bowl wins? Also, imagine Andrew Luck reuniting with his college coach in the Bay Area. Just do it. Doesn't it feel good? That's why I can't give him the win. They could get to New York and his feet could be the factor but I think he has trouble to the north of San Francisco. 

#5 Your New England Patriots

A completion percentage of 60.5, 25 TDs to 11 interceptions, and a passer rating of 95.7 (-1.4 drop from 2012 to 2013). 

Tom Brady, Tom, Tom, Tom. Someone convinced you after winning three Super Bowls that you could do anything, even wear your supermodel wife's coat for a GQ shoot. Yet, no matter how much I want to mock you I just can't. Even without home-field advantage, you have the advantage over every other quarterback. Indy vs. New England (cold), New England vs. Denver (cold), New England vs. NFC (in New York, outdoors COLD!) My prediction is your team will fail you, but not that debonaire stare. 

#4 Your Indianapolis Colts

His stats in his first two years: completion percentage 60.2, 23 TDs to 9 interceptions, and a passer rating 87.0 (+10.5 increase from 2012 to 2013) 

Now I'm a big time Stanford Cardinal fan. But Andrew Luck needs to grow into his teeth. It's fortunate for him he plays for Indianapolis because he looks like a horse. Luck is in his second year and his first playoff run. He proved in his first game that down does not mean out. He may get past Tom Brady and the Patriots but I feel he needs a few more years before Luck is a lock to win the Super Bowl. 

#3 Your Seattle Seahawks

A completion percentage of 66.7, 26 TDs to 9 interceptions, and a passer rating of 101.2 (+1.2 increase from 2012 to 2013) 

Russell Wilson is a freak. Just look at that picture from the NFL combine. Look at that arm! THAT'S HIS NON-THROWING ARM!!! Russell has the team, he has shown he has the talent. He just hasn't gotten to the big dance yet. I feel confident that in the next decade we will see Wilson and Andrew Luck playing many February football games and listening to Macklemore at halftime. (See what I did there? I used a Seattle music superstar in my Super Bowl reference). I think he's close. Real close. He may play in the Super Bowl this year if he can get past New Orleans, but I don't think he'll be hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy. 

#2 Your New Orleans Saints

A completion percentage of 68.6, 39 TDs to 12 interceptions, and a passer rating of 104.7 (+8.4 increase from 2012 to 2013)

When you Google Drew Brees the first result you get is the Brees Dream Foundation. He's raised over $17,000,000.00 to support children with cancer in New Orleans. He's a saint! The most prominent picture in Google images is that of Brees with his kid. This pick is awesome because it is purely based on his picture. How can you not pick this team to win the Super Bowl? Oh that's right... 

#1 Your Denver Broncos

A completion percentage of 68.3, 55 TDs to 10 interceptions, and a passer rating 115.1 (+9.3 increase from 2012 to 2013) 

Peyton Manning wears his helmet when he makes love. This guy is all football all the time. The only criticism you can give of Peyton's 2013 MVP season was is -31 yards rushing. In his defense he was taking knees to end games in the second quarter. This guy had the equivalent of Babe Ruth's 1927 season. It won't be an easy road for Pey... who am I kidding? Peyton knows the position better than any other man that has ever played quarterback. I am committed to choosing my Super Bowl champion based on my Google quarterback image. My choice is clear. Peyton Manning's season, career, and pedigree back my decision. Oh and Peyton has a foundation too. 

Baseball Writers Make Bad Calls (Why Greg Maddux was the easiest Unanimous Hall of Fame Inductee of my Generation)

Today Los Angeles Dodgers Baseball writer Ken Gurnick made it known that he would not be voting for Greg Maddux’s induction into the Hall of Fame (Sixteen others did the same). Ken selected only one person for Cooperstown, Jack Morris. Jack Morris is an all-star pitcher, five times over. He Ranks 43^rd all time for wins (245) and had an ERA of 3.90. He also had three 20+ win seasons. Jack Morris is not Greg Maddux.

By comparison Maddux was an eight-time all-star had 355 career wins (eighth all time). Maddux was a Cy Young award winner in 1992, 1993, 1994, and 1995. Twice the Cy Young vote was unanimous.

Morris was never a Cy Young winner. My intent is not to compare these two pitchers. It is obvious that Greg Maddux is a first ballot Hall of Fame inductee. I don’t even want to discuss Jack Morris’ potential place in Cooperstown. I want to express my absolute frustration that writers like Ken Gurnick have the opportunity cast a vote that will forever enshrine an individual in baseball history and they pass.

Major League Baseball establishes which players are eligible to be elected to the Hall of Fame. From those eligible a voter may choose a minimum of one and up to ten players to be selected. It’s very simple. Pick the best. If there are ten players in your opinion who should be in the Hall of Fame, vote for ten. If there is only one player, vote for that player. If a player receives a votes from 75% or greater he gets to make a speech in upstate New York.

I am tired of entitled elitist baseball writers deciding that the Hall of Fame voting should be anything other than the greatest eligible players. Hall of Fame voters have a very simple decision. Vote for the best, up to ten if you want. Yet time and time again baseball writers have failed miserably to do the one thing that should be an absolute no brainer. There have been players that without question are unanimous Hall of Fame inductees. If you go back to those voters and ask them if the truly great ones should be in Cooperstown they would say absolutely.

Here are just some examples of whom I believe are, without any dispute, first ballot, unanimous, please, please allow us to use your likeness on HOF memorabilia inductees.

Nolan Ryan 5714 strikeouts 7 no hitters, 61 shutouts 2 time MVP: 98.8% voted him into the Hall of Fame (in the writers’ defense he was the highest percentage ever).

Ricky Henderson 1406 stolen bases (all time leader), 2295 runs (all time leader), and 297 homeruns: 94.8% of voters approved.

Sandy Koufax 12 year career 165 wins 87 losses an ERA of 2.76 1963 NL MVP, three time unanimous Cy Young Winner, 86.87% said he was good enough to share a place with Jim Rice and Barry Larkin.

Then there’s my favorite. It took him four times to get enshrined in Cooperstown. In fact his first eligible year he received only one vote (.4% of total votes, which by today’s standard, 5% is required for any future consideration to be placed on the ballot) In thirteen years he had 361 homeruns, 2214 hits, a .325 batting average was a thirteen time All-Star (his entire career if your keeping score at home) he was a three time AL MVP, won batting titles back to back in 1939 and 1940 and played on nine World Series Championship teams. Joe DiMaggio was voted in with 88.8% of the voters deciding he was good enough for the Hall of Fame.  It just breaks my heart.

Why do they do it? Is it a sense of entitlement? Is it because they are trying to help a guy get in? Is it because they feel the player’s career was marred with scandal?

Whatever the reason I hope that some day a sports writer like Ken Gurnick will be asked by his grandson, “Grandpa were able to see Greg Maddux play?” and Ken would say “I sure did. He was the best of my generation, a four time Cy Young winner.” “Did you vote him into the Hall of Fame Grandpa?” “No I did not. I voted for Jack Morris.” “So you only had one vote?” “No I had ten votes, I just voted for Jack Morris.”

If I am ever given the responsibility to decide the recipients this award I will follow one simple rule, “Who are the ten best out there?” If you are one of the ten, you deserve to be in. If your eligibility runs out before you make that list, I am sorry. Even Don Mattingly, my favorite player, may not get an invite. But those who are tasked with this very honored responsibility don’t disrespect the players and the game of baseball with your agenda. Greg Maddux should have been a unanimous vote. In five years I hope that we won’t see this happen with the greatest closer baseball has ever seen. Mariano Rivera is unanimous; I just hope the baseball writers make the right call.